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Have you guys heard the fantastic news? None of us fat people are poor! We can all go out and buy our porches and mansions now, or at least stop taking the bus and living on ramen noodles and Kraft mac and cheese. What heralds this fantastic news, you might ask? What has graced us all with this profound sense of relief?

Why, Rick Santorum, a man who’s not at all frequently against helping poor people of any kind and totally isn’t planning on finding excuses to kill welfare and liquidate that instead of putting more taxes on those poor, abused rich people we have in the top 1%. Oh, and he’s also totally not a racist fuck either. So it should be as suprirsing to you as it is to me that such a good, moral man such as himself — who lives only to serve the public good — would decide that obesity is the proof we need to establish that we no longer need the food stamp program.

If hunger is a problem in America, then why do we have an obesity problem among the people who we say have a hunger program?

More precious pearls of wisdom have rarely been uttered. Well now naturally if people are fat they can’t be hungry. Being fat would mean you have money to spend on food, so why the hell are you asking for handouts, you greedy fucks?

The statement pretty well exemplifies the causational chain most people associate with fatness. People are fat because they eat lots of food, or food that’s really bad for you. A + B = C. Therefore fatness is something people do to themselves; it’s their fault. All they have to do is eat well and get off their ass and the problem of their fatness will cease to exist. Which, of course, opens us up to America’s favorite past-time: victim blaming.

This chain of reasoning flies well in the face of actual studies that show that the calories you consume aren’t even the biggest contributor to weight gain. There’s delicious chemicals like weight gain hormones and forms of plastics that are added into our foods, for example. And remember all that warring over high fructose corn syrup? Everyone was talking about how much worse it was for your body than natural sugar, so those clever corporate-backed corn lobbyists came up with witty ads like these:

It’s made from corn, silly! What could possibly be wrong with corn? Surely the Corn Refiners Association would have no sort of vested interest in lying to the general public. And like magic, once this hit the news waves reports started coming out that high fructose corn syrup was no more or less harmful than regular sugar! They’re the same! It’s natural corn! And surely no legitimate research industry backed by the US Health Industry instead of funded privately by corporations with vested interests in corn lobbying could ever find information to the contrary!

High fructose corn syrup is in everything and it absolutely fucks with your system. At the very least what it’s doing is putting sugar and carbohydrates in foods that never had them before, which increases our consumption of them which is one of the reasons people can gain weight. Corn lobbyists have made sure that high fructose corn syrup is in a shitload of things it should never, ever be in and since it’s mass-produced and is far less expensive than sugar, cheaper food is especially loaded with it. And the poorer you are, the more cheap food you buy. How’s that for an A + B = C formula for you?

Even if you’re of the school of reasoning that dictates that what you eat immediately translates into how your body is formed, you can see pretty clearly that being fat and being poor aren’t mutually exclusive states of being– and that it’s pretty easy to get fat because you’re poor.

Because poor people can totally afford tons of fresh produce.

And this is all ignoring that there are dozens of reasons people are fat that are in no way connected to diet or exercise.

So basically Rick Santorum is saying we need to cut out our food stamp and welfare programs because clearly we have a bunch of fat cats living large on the whopping $133.49 a person receives on average per month while on food stamps. That poor people need to suck it up and give up the things they don’t need — like food — to help boost our economy again. I mean, Cheesus forbid rich people have to actually pay more taxes and risk losing one of their yachts. They need those.

C’mon, fatties. Take one for the team.